Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
