she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize