420 ftw
That's intense
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
