Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
