theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
