Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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