You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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