I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
