do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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