Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
