He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
