Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
