my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
