Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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