so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
