I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
