I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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