I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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