there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
