quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
