Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize