Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Houston, we have a blender
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
