someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
