We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
