i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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