True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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