I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
