i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
