I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
