Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
