If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
