After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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