Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
