I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Randomize