I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
