just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
