Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize