no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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