my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
