my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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