normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
