I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
