sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
