I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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