Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
