i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
