It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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