Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize