I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
