and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
