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I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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