bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
