She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
