It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
